apartment rules

I was rummaging through some old journals that I had written in while living with my now ex-girlfriend, and found a half-finished list of three rules we had drawn out to make gatherings with our frequently-visiting friends a little more interesting. I think they did their job. Anyways, these are those rules, completed and organized into coherent and easy-to-follow bits.

Apartment Rules
(written Nov. 2010, revised Oct. 2012)

Rule #1:

If someone offers to light your cigarette for you before you are able to light it yourself, with their lighter ready and in their hand, you must accept their offer and show gratitude by saying "Thank you, daddy" in the most ridiculous imitation of a flamboyant gay man you can possibly manage. Any party not involved in this exchange is prohibited from commenting on the lightee's sudden change in sexual orientation and demeanor (or not); though the one providing the light may do so, gently.

Rule #2:

If anyone leaves any adequate amount of marijuana in my apartment for safekeeping, I reserve the right to take a small amount for myself as payment for watching over their illicit substances and risking my own neck (hypothetically speaking). The amount taken shall never exceed a pinch, unless a larger amount is agreed upon by the owner of the "pot." Each time the owner has a chance to retrieve his/her "pot" by returning to the apartment where it is stored, a new pinch is forfeited to me, the "budsitter," regardless of whether or not the owner's stock has been replenished.

Note: This is not done with ill intentions, as you couldn't exactly expect to just go rent storage space for free, could you?

Rule #3:

If anyone eats any of my Toaster Strudels, they are required to use the included icing packet to draw a penis (with testicles) on said Toaster Strudel. It can be as realistic or cartoonish as the person likes, and they are free to show artistic flair by adding such accoutrements as pubic hair, veins and ejaculate; but keep in mind that a stipulation of this rule is that you must eat it head-first. This rule applies to both men and women.

IF for some reason, the person desiring to eat the Toaster Strudel is incapable of drawing his or her own penis because of extreme inebriation or otherwise, a substitute artist may be called upon to complete the task. Be wary though, the relationship between the substitute and the person eating the Toaster Strudel can be misconstrued if an unfamiliar party is present during this particular ritual. The key is as follows:

Male substitute drawing a penis for a female Toaster Strudel eater = "Normal"

Female substitute drawing a penis for a male Toaster Strudel eater = Funny

Female substitute drawing a penis for a female Toaster Strudel eater = Awesome

Male substitute drawing a penis for a male Toaster Strudel eater = Gay

Regardless of the image you want to convey to others, always be sure you're conveying the right one. Use this guide if you have any doubts. And as always, have fun!